On this day, five years ago, I woke up not knowing what happened the night before. I got way too drunk on home made rum cola due to a broken heart. (thanks for the memories, Facebook)
Today, I woke up with vivid memories of what happened not just yesterday, but everything over the last three days. After three months, I went up the prayer mountain again, with nothing but a confused longing heart.
I am not really the type who would go all emotional on things. But this weekend, I found myself crumbling into pieces, being fragile and vulnerable at its best. Gone is my perceived ‘pa-strong’ and ‘pa-logical’ self. There I was, letting go, getting broken, finding comfort and strength in the Lord.
It has been so liberating to allow yourself to wallow in your brokenness before Jesus. I lost it when this truth hit me: “Kate, I will keep on choosing you over and over again (John 15:16).” …Even if I don’t choose Him all the time; Even if I only choose Him when it is comfortable; EVEN IF — He still chooses me.
He has been committed to me even when I am not. He never forced His way into my heart. He patiently waited for that time when I will finally realize that in my peril, He is my assurance and strength. In my unfaithfulness, He is still faithful. And in my brokenness, He is filling out the crevices of me, making it beautiful.
Today, I woke up with a fleeting heart that is grateful for the sweet journey of letting go and surrendering again to the Lord. But by tomorrow, nothing is certain. I do not know if this is just a spirit high that will later on subside. I do not know if I can really bare myself as much or the walls will start to creep up again. I do not know if I would be as zealous and passionate as I am.
Amidst all this, all I know is God has never been as evident as He is to me now. With Him in me, I know I will not fall, I will not be moved (Psalm 46:5).
I can sing of Your love forever 🙂